BEWARE of ME...

Have you ever heard of the beware of Tessi speech? Well, its going around and I am pretty sure you will hear it sooner or later. The speech consists of "how do you know Tessi?" and "are you guys close...close?" than it leads into "well, you just need to be careful because I hear a lot of things about her..." and if the other person is really interested it goes into more depth of "she is evil, she is sneaky, she will steal your man, and she is manipulating.." Doesn't this speech sound so inspirational, motivational and all the worthwhile?

Well, sadly I have been approached about this speech one too many times in the past weeks and it is a little disheartening to think people interpret my actions this way. Like I have claimed in every blog I write...I AM NOT PERFECT and yes I have made tons of MISTAKES. However, do not fool me for an idiot, if I do something wrong...trust me I will always call my faults, if there is anything anyone can know about me it is that I have a very guitly conscience and cannot act like I didn't do something wrong.

Another thing you should know about me...I love to help people and in most cases will do everything I can for people I love and care about. I will come to your house and wash your dishes, clean your house and watch your kids. My happiness comes from doing things like this. Its not about getting in good with the family, or sucking up or trying to make my way in. I genuienly would do this for anyone. However this is interpretated as I like someone in the family, I want something, or just trying to manipulate my way in for acceptance. WRONG.

Another part of the speech consists of me and all my love affairs, guys I mess around with, guys I play and some crued things I supposedly do. AGAIN, I am a girl and yes I do like guys, but NO I do not mess around and unfortunately I have had many relationships go bad, even to the point of the other individual telling me 'if I can't have you...no one else will"...so he started all these crued, untrue rumors about me. A kiss is very special to me, I would never share it with just anyone, it would be someone special and someone I have a relationship with. Please do not LISTEN to all the RUMORS...ask me and I will GLADLY TELL ALL!

Lastly the speech consists of "do you know she has drama with so and so, and this and that happened?"...People I have no drama with ANYONE, I know there are a lot of people that have issues with me and I am sorry. I would love to talk to them out, make things better, but when I am driving down a one way road this is quite difficult. Its not worth it for me to hate anyone, hold grudges, cause I can't. I suck at being mad at people and it never lasts long....I am trying to be HAPPY as I want everyone else to be HAPPY...drama is such a waste of time. So if you ever hear I have drama with someone, please excuse it...CAUSE I DON'T.

Here I go again with another EXPLAIN my LIFE blog, but I am starting to realize this is my life, this is things I have to deal with everyday of my life. I wake up to a new RUMOR every morning...its an endless battle. So blogging is going to be my venting machine...read if you want...if you don't thats cool too:)

Minor clean up...

I use to be the type of person who wanted everyone around me to be happy and would go the extra mile to make sure they were. I would usually put everyone else's happiness before mine, hence why I was a total people pleaser. I admit it, I just wanted people to be happy, even if it meant sacrificing my own happiness.

It got pretty bad to the point where I wasn't being honest to myself with the things I was doing. I was also digging myself into a financial hole. A good friend of mine's mother asked if I could get a guava cake for her sisters birthday, so my over achiever self did so, the cake was massive and cost about $45 dollars, I can't take money from people, so of course I didnt let her pay me back. On top of that I agreed to deliver it to Slc, an hour away from where I live, another $40 in gas...I am not complaining, just stating facts of the story. By the end of the favor I spent $85. I was so happy to help that it never crossed my mind I was spending my own money. Well, until my poor college self went to pay my rent I was $55 short, I was so angry with myself, cause I hate asking people for help, I had to embarrassingly borrow the money from my brother. As I look back on it, I would of never had ask my brother if I didn't spend the $85.

Am I saying I should of never helped her out, no never, I should of been honest with myself that financially I couldn't spend $85 at that point because I had rent,car and school payments that needed to be made. I should of taken the money she was going to give me, I was doing her the favor and if she knew I was going to struggle she would of been very upset that I didn't take it in the first place. This is just an example of the type of person I was. I worried more about making her totally happy, I ended up stressing out and not so happy in the end.

Well, thats how I use to be but after being screwed one too many times, I am revamping my people pleasing habits. I am not going to be selfish or greedy, I just need to make minor changes to ensure I am happy along with those around me. I need to tone my willingness to help everyone a notch down. Make sure my priorities are taken care of and if I have any extras...share them with those I love. It's been hard learning to say " I really can't do it" but the power of being honest with myself is crucial to my sanity:).

Minor changes go a long way.

Come what may and love it.

Power of Identity

Who am I and where did I come from? What is my purpose? These are questions I often ask myself. Why am I on earth at this time, during this generation, with all of these struggles and temptations? Why did the Lord want me to be here? Of course from a gospel perspective I totally understand and except, but as a human being it is only natural to doubt what we know as true,especially when times get rough. It is quite contradictory that I do this, but seems so easily committed.

From a religious stand point, I am aware of my purpose here on earth and why I was sent here, but the fight with my conscious makes me doubt those purposes, mostly because I loose faith and have lack of confidence in my self worth. As I reflect on my past and all of the things I have accomplished and than compare it to my life now I often get discouraged as to what my purpose is. I set the bar pretty high at a young age and now feel like I have to top all of that, which I am realizing is quite difficult.

Coming to terms with the fact that I am in idle mode has been depressing, I took time off of school and have been barely working at Delta. It's has been a ride of emotions all at once. I think I lost sight of my purpose while worrying so much about what I wasn't doing, I failed to recognize the things I was doing. I get so involved in comparing my life to my own and even others,that I don't give myself any credit. I didn't let someone put my gears into idle mode, I put it there and choose to stay there, again swimming in my sorrows.

I can't do anything or be anyone until I gain full sight of my purpose, which means I have to let go of the competition I have with myself. I am never going to be Miss South Pacific again but that doesnt mean I stop aspiring to be something great. I know I can't do this on my own and am striving to stay focused on the important things.

Again...stay tuned.

Come what may and love it....
..

Re-tracking my own footsteps...

It has been sometime since I have updated my blog, not necessarily on purpose or because I am super LAZY; I felt like my blog was becoming a site for my negativity and lack of optimism. Although, I write of true events and feelings in my life, I realized my writing wouldn't change until my attitude changed. If I learned to always look at the positive, the words and feelings would change.

A very good friend of mine, some one I call a brother and even look at as a fatherly figure, has truly embraced my life and given me some of the best advice and guidance. Along with his wife, one of my best friends and basically a sister, has helped me along this road of difficulty. They have made me feel like it is possible to feel loved again, to feel hope and have empowered me to get out of idle mode and do something better with my life. I attribute a lot of this motivation and inspiration to them....FOREVER GRATEFUL!

My goal is to now look on the brighter side of bad situations.I am have found myself swimming in my sorrows and almost feeling sorry for myself, which does nothing for the mind or the soul. Swimming in our sorrows doesn't make us stronger, it only dampers our spirits, and leaves the body shriveled and weak. I am ready to take back strokes out of this pool of missery and win the GOLD MEDAL!

I hope to keep my blogs positive and worthwhile. I want to take all the struggles and setbacks I have had all year as fuel to make things better, to be better and do better. Stay tuned....

COME WHAT MAY AND LoVE IT...


Going to conquer the unconquerable this week

Liahona Ladies...

For pretty much my whole life I have been called a Liahona baby...lol! Mostly because I was born in Tonga and we lived on campus at Liahona for the first 5 yrs of my existence. Erveryone remembers me running around in my diaper with boogers running down my nose:) Wait they still say that about me...hahaha! Anyways as long as I can remember we have attended the infamous LIAHONA KULISTUTUKU since we left Tonga. It was a family ritual to attend them. Especially because my dad's class is the LOUDEST, CRAZIEST and the most PRIDEFUL class because the princess specifically named their class...don't ask me what it is because I always forget the name...hahaha!

Anyways, we attended the one in San Francisco this past summer...luckily I was able to run away from Tonga and be there with my sisters. My dad pretty much told me he would disown me if I was not there to dance with them..so yes I couldn't make him mad and I did everything I could to be there!

It was crazy...typical Tongan dances and feast. People really go all out for this function and donate thousands and thousands of dollars...IN CASH during this reunion. I so shocked at all the money being thrown around. I was like umm can I just get a $1000 hahaha I mean people be throwing it around like they mowed it up or picked it off the tree....HOI!

I had a blast with my sisters and parents. Love them and love my dads class shirts...so cool!

I went back to Tonga and the people who saw this picture kept saying "Wheh Tessi is a twin" lol. I wish I was tall and skinny like her:)

COME WHAT MAY AND LOVE IT!!

LACK OF CONFIDENCE

If a stranger was to look into my life it would probably seem like from some of my accomplishments that I was a very confident person, they see that I was in pageants, I love dancing as well as playing rugby...along with getting involved and being pretty active in traveling and other things...My facebook pictures and status updates keep people involved in my life from where I am, what I am doing and even my daily emotions. I often think to myself is it all too much to let people into my life,  cause lots of the time things I do and say get twisted and misjudged...

However, I often contemplate in my head...am I really a confident person? I realize that in certain aspects of my life...I am SUPER confident, whereas other areas I have NO CONFIDENCE whatsoever! If you asked me to dance on stage infront of a thousand people, I would gladly take on the challenge and not be nervous. I feel like when I dance...nothing else matters in the world, no one in the audience matters or any problems or struggles I am going through even matter. I dance like no one is watching and really feel a connection with the music. I truly get lost in the music and the world phases out. I am the most happy when I am dancing! It is a feeling I cannot even put into words, but it makes me feel so powerful!!

I wish I had this same confidence when it comes to relationships and my self worth. This is one of my biggest weaknesses that I have struggled with really bad in the past three years. I have been in some very dramatic relationships that have dampened my view of self worth. I won't go into detail of them out of respects for the individuals, but simply I let the bad times get the best of me. To the point where I really second guess what I am worth. I feel like because I didn't seal the deal, I wasn't good enough, although in the end it worked out the way it needed to, I suffered from the side effects...thus causing me to become very insecure of who I am as a woman.

I am still struggling with this, but I feel like I finally making it back up the mountain I fell and slipped down. I am at the point where I am finding myself, learning about my weaknesses and how I can make them better. I am such a sucker when it comes to guys, like when I like someone my wall comes down and that wave of care takes over. I am realizing now that wave of care has been really toxic in my life, in the sense that I should of controlled the current of the wave and not allowed it to overtake like a tsunami. I care WAY too much and this often got me into trouble with my emotions. I either don't like the guy enough...or I like him WAAAAY too much that it ruins things. I am learning to just chill, simmer down, not rush things, and let fate take its path....

Its an ongoing challenge. I have faced a lot of struggles this summer, but it has truly made me put my life into better perspective of what I need to do and what is most important. I have challenged myself to be better, stronger and SMARTER!

COME WHAT MAY AND LOVE IT! 

My minds telling me NO...

I need a little bit of venting time right now and lets just say this isn't the best way to return back to blogging, but I been in Tonga where the internet runs as slow as my two step on a bad day...hahaha did that make any sense?

Well, this summer has brought out the GOOD, the BAD and the oh so UGLY in me. There has been so many road blocks that have tried to come in my way and stop me from getting to where I want, from dishonest people, haters, non believers and lazy ASSSSHHH people! I never knew there were so many cruel, two faced people in this world, and sadly I have met many of them in my life time. But, wait before you think I am being judgemental and irrational, please understand that I am speaking for myself and only myself, through my own opinions no one elses. I do not and WILL NOT HATE FOR FREE!

I know what it is like to be hated on and trust me, I would never wish this cruelty on another human being. I am talking more about relevant facts...I go off facts not fairy tales and rumors, but what I see with my own eyes. I do not liked to be blamed for the action of others, take for instant if your man texts me or calls me...is it my fault? Or if your man adds me on facebook and I accept because I am a nice person... why not...is it my fault or am I trying to get at him? Hmm all these questions have arised over the summer, and I am trying to fathom why its always my fault. Yes, I make mistakes and sometimes can be nice and UNDERSTANDING, but geeez cut me some slack, its not always my fault! 

I am so irritated by some of the things I have heard over the past couple of days. I am not after your boyfriend or husband so GET OVER IT and maybe spend more time working out your relationship than worrying about others. I have been gone all summer and yet my name is still wrapped up in peoples mouths, my goodness....GET OVER IT! HOI this blog is way too dramatic..but I had to let it out!

Wedding bellzzz....

No not my wedding bells, those are kind of rusted and probably wont be ringing for a long time....ahhahaaha! But I am in Tonga for Filinga's wedding.

So, I came to here with one days notice...I found out Monday morning that I was going to leave to Tonga the next day out of LA...exciting right? Well, not when your in Hawaii and all your crap is in Utah and you need to be in LA by 1130 the next night. That day was so hectic, Pua and I ran all over the place doing little errands here and there, we needed to make it to the airport to pick up family, than to Laie before the pharmacy closed, for me to get my stuff, drop off family and baby Inoke at home all before 7 oclock, because we needed to head back to town for me to make my flight at 8. Well, of course all of that didnt happen, I got to the airport at 730 and they wouldn't let me check in cause they closed the flight...so annoyingly I had to fly to Seattle and than Salt Lake, which totally cut my day in half.

I had a million things I needed to do in Utah before catching a flight to LA, and of course like a chicken with my head cut off, I ran all over the place, dropping off stuff, packing and getting things ready. Thank goodness I had Faifua to help me out...which I still owe her big time...but gladly I made it to LA at 930. Pua and her brothers were already there in LA, they made it just in time to check in. Of course we were WAAAAAY over weight..and barely made it to the gate in time to get on the plane. I slept pretty much the whole way to Fiji...its was nice!

Anyways, I will write more about Fiji and Tonga later....but just getting here was CRAZZZZZY! I can't believe in one day I flew from Hawaii to Seattle to SLC to LA and than Fiji! UGHH makes me tired just thinking about it! Never again! LOL

COME WHAT MAY AND LOVE IT!

Venting machine....

I think my blogs will be my venting machine, cause I always seem to feel a lot better when I write my feelings down. I am a slacker when it comes to writing in a journal, and have about 10 old ones that I started and have yet to keep up with.

UGHHHHHHH is what I am feeling right now. I swear I deal with one problem and another one always seem to arise. I wish I could just live in a turtle shell, go un-noticed or seen for a long time....and when I feel like the time is right again to come out of the shell. I hate feeling like this, but I have always been the type to take too much pressure, emotion and stress on. I have gotten a lot better, but I still struggle with it. Its like when I know someone doesn't like me or has said something untrue or bad...I STRESS out...its so weird! lol! Its not totally insecurities...and its usually only when people I know and care about do I stress out like this.

Anyways, somethings went down before I left...and its really annoying that things have been assumed and totally taken the wrong way. I have been doing me, and I am really trying to move on and progress in life, of course I am not PERFECT (I really wish I was..LOL) but I feel like sometimes when I take a few steps forward, things or people try to pull me back. Its been a long, hard and treacherous road...I am still climbing, struggling and learning. It seems like because I am not perfect I am being held accountable for things that are not even my fault or doing because someone else wont step up to the plate. I have learned to keep my mouth shut when it comes to certain things, cause I don't like to make drama worse, but it seems like when I do this..I AM THE BAD GUY...I am not the type to put peoples shizz on blast, but when I start to feel like this, I think to myself...dang if this person only knew the TRUTH, they probably wouldn't be saying stuff, but for the most part I just keep it to myself or share it with the one person I can trust...I feel like words can't explain what I am trying to say...

I aint seeking pity, nor am I trying to manipulate the mind or anyone...I know what I do and just because people assume shizz, doesn't mean I feel guilty, it just hurts that its people who I have sacrificed a lot for, people I have gone out of my way for, who I trusted and loved. I guess its the "UNCOOL" thing to befriend me anymore, which is cool I don't force anyone to be my friend, but don't kick me to the curb because you "think" you know whats going on, cause trust if I put everyones business out there, no one would be saying anything.

However, I am going to carry on doing me...this was just a rain shower on my parade, this show is gonna keeping going... drenched and wet...I gonna keep doing what I am doing with a SMILE! I know turtle shell action isn't gonna make my life any better, even though thats how I feel right now, I am gonna try and keep pushing forward! I am gonna take this bump in the road as another reminder of how much harder I need to work to progress and grow. I can't let it get me down.....

COME WHAT MAY and LOVE IT!

a love note...

I kind of don't know how to react to the letter I just got...I am filled with so many different kinds of emotions and I can't really put my finger on it! I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!...but I also want to CRY...hmm this is mos def food for thought.

I ain't gonna rush to conclusion...but the power of words leaves an imprint on my heart...its ringing in my ears and burdening my thoughts...I am stronger this time around...but somehow it weakens my stance...speeds my heartbeat...and shortens my breath...I can do this...I can be STRONGER...its all in my hands!

Put up a front

So, I think its a little irritating when people try to put up a front...like act like they are one way when they really aren't. I mean I am so FAR from PERFECT...but I try live my life on the open and if its personal...keep it personal.....cause daanng some people totally put up a front and its a little bit annoying....just because they don't want to hear "I told you so."

Growing up your parents will always tell you don't do this and don't do that because this and that will happen, well of course its only natural to do what your told not to do, and when the outcome is exactly what your parents warned you against, you avoid them all in all because you don't want to hear the "I told you so." Well, I  have noticed that certain people put up status updates about being super religious and super happy in their relationship, but than you see and know otherwise.... and its like hmmm why put up a front about it...when your not?...is this judgmental? I think it is a little, but also hard to discern from the status update to what the eye sees. I know what its like to be judged...but this habit bugs me! If I update my status its day to day, REAL LIFE motivation and inspirations....not things that will dictate a persons thoughts about me...It is what it is...is what I like to call it!

I think some people feel like everyone is working against them, so they have to work that much harder to make it seem like they are HAPPY or whatever, they don't want to fail like everyone knew they would so they put up a front. Its kind of sad because when you know the behind the scenes stuff, and you see them put up the front, its heart breaking that they can't be honest with themselves about their situations! Fake it to make...gets you no where...be honest with yourself, you either fake the happiness to prove people wrong, but than deal with years of heartache or you humble yourself and admit you were wrong and put an end to putting up a front...and your life will be SO MUCH BETTER!

I do UNDERSTAND its hard...but I think putting up a front makings things that much harder....this isn't a very positive blog...but for me its about letting it out..the purpose of my BLOGs...to let it all OUT! hahahaha.

COME WHAT MAY AND LOVE IT!

New Job

So I love being Polynesian and its pretty evident in my lifestyle, hobbies and even habits:) I have met so many people through past experiences from CEOs, lawyers, business owners and many inspirational Polynesians. As I look back I am so amazed at the connections I have been able to make and keep through those experiences...one important contact happens to be my new "BOSS".

I am so excited for this job because it is doing exactly what I want to be doing...I realized I could never be an office type of girl, I can't handle sitting down for long periods of time, I need to be up and moving..hence my job at delta on the ramp...hahaha! Anywho, going back to why I love being Polynesian...and most importantly supporting other Polynesians. I have found a real passion in helping others, and with this job I am doing exactly this. Its kind of overwhelming because it could blow up into something HUGE...it already kind of is, but has potential of being even bigger! I wont spill too many beans cause its all still in the planning process, but I am locked in on a percentage and its pretty exciting to think that someday I won't have to WORK...hahaha JK I think I will always have to for my own personal sanity.

The purpose of the business is to take Polynesian products and do product placement and distribution! So, basically we are helping Polynesians specifically to achieve their dreams...and enhance their goal experiences. I love it! I love people who have DREAMS and work HARD to make it happen!

Its also exciting because I got me a BRAND NEW MAC BOOK PRO 15 inch! whoooohoo its so nice and even better it was FREE! I have a lot of work to do, and its nice cause its on my own time! I love it!

COME WHAT MAY and LOVE IT!

STABILITY...

Stability is my new favorite word....mostly because this is what I desire the most in my life right now. I been trying to be a lot more positive about the struggles I have been going through. It's been an ongoing process, I mean I know it will happen for the rest of my life...but just more frustrating right now. I have gone through a lot in the past couple of months...per all my dramatic blogs...hahaha! But I am finally making the treck back up the mountain....I slipped a ways down and kinda chilled for a while, but slowly I decided I need to get UP and keep it moving again.... here  are some of the challenges I have gone through and how I am trying to find the POSITIVE in the NEGATIVE...

I lost some really GOOD friends this year (no they didn't die) just lost the closeness and bond we once shared. I am a real push over when it comes to being MAD at people, I am not very good at it! I can't ever hold a grudge, and even though I may seem mad, I get over it really quickly and than just want to make everything right again. I usually apologize before the other person does, just because I hate being on bad terms with anyone...and even though it may not be fully and wholly my fault. I am also one who will go OUT of my way to make things right with people, especially the ones I love the most. In the beginning I was really depressed and sad about these lost friendships and would often lay in bed wishing I would of done things different and most of the time blame myself. I take a lot of pressure on, and really let it affect me and my emotions. Anyways....I can't change the way things have happened, I am learning to accept them and make the best of it. If I give all that I got to make it right and that person doesn't want to forgive me or let things go back to the way they use to be...well there is not much more I can do. I never give up, but sometimes space and time can heal all wounds.

I have been traveling a lot...both personal and for work...its been like this since my 10th grade year in High School. I mean don't get me wrong I LOVE to travel and see new places...but its been a little tiring lately! People always ask me why don't you have a boyfriend (besides everyone thinking I am a player/homewrecker/whore...you know the usual..LOL)...and my answer is...guys don't wanna date a girl they never see, who never knows where she is gonna be till the week of and can't say put! I am at that point in my life where although I love to TRAVEL...I want STABILITY! I want to finish school (I am a Senior and gonna be a Super Senior if I keep doing this)...I want this new business to take off...I want to have my own apartment again, belong to one ward, spend more time with my friends....build new relationships...and most of all DATE again! LOL! Is this too much to ask for...hahaha! I know people are gonna be like you little ungrateful brat...some people are dying to travel and get out and your over here complaining....NO like I said before, I love to travel and I am so grateful, I am just looking forward to the future STABILITY I am going to have in my life.

This blog is getting a little too long, but thats just a few of my struggles I am trying to find the POSITIVE in! Its a challenge...but I LOVE CHALLENGES...bring it on. I miss my lost friends and I really hope all is well with them, they know how much I care and appreciate them, but sometimes things like this happen to make you realize what and who is important!......

COME WHAT MAY AND LOVE IT...

BLOGGER or BOOGER

Its officially BLOGTIME…whoohoo! I have been totally slacking at keeping my blogs updated. So much has happened lately and I have failed to get it into writing format!

I am going to split it up according to dates and events and even random thoughts I have been having. I am so excited for the future and even more so of whom I am striving to become.  As you can tell from my previous blogs a lot of negative things have happened and I definitely didn’t fail to keep my thoughts jotted down when it came to all of that. I find it a little sad now that I reflect over my blog’s, everything seems so sad, dark and dreary. I am totally not this type of person. I always try to be HAPPY and make those around me HAPPY! Although, I have been approached by many about how many of my issues are similar to theirs and its relieving for them to read my blogs and feel like…AHHH I am not the only one going through this…this is why blogging is so POWERFUL…it truly arouses interest, emotion and even motivation.

So, if you decide to read my blogs I hope you find just that! I want to highlight the positive things in my life because I truly live a blessed life and instead of worrying about the things I don’t have, or the negative that’s that constantly bombard my life, I am going to find BALANCE. 

Come what may and LOVE it!

Do you hear what I hear....

If I hear....I heard this about you is it true?....one more time I am gonnna SCREEEEAAAAAMMM for ICE CREAAAAAAM.lol. JK. I swear I can never meet a new person or make friends with people without someone asking me this question. It often entertains me that people care so much to talk about me(not being cocky about it at all) and I feel like a lot of my blogs have been about this matter. I tell myself don't waste your time dwelling about it, but I figured thats why I have a blog to let it all OUT and like I said before if you are gonna say "Don't EXPLAIN your life"....well go read someone elses blog...hahaha NBFR!

It's gotten to a point where I walk into a room just assuming that everyone or someone in that room has something bad to say about me. It has mos def caused some insecurities in my life, but I try not to let it effect me too much! It's more annoying than anything...I just wanna wear a shirt that has all of my mistakes printed on it. I want everyone to know what I have done because of course I am not proud of them...but nor am I trying to hide it. Maybe if I did that...no one would ever ask me if something they heard was true...maybe I should really do it and get one printed in every color... could possibly start a new fashion statement.

What sucks the most about all of this is that I go through this phase with every new friend or guy I  talk to. Everything is all good...fun...happy and than when people start to notice I am getting close to someone or hanging out with someone, they feel the need to tell them all the rumors they hear about me and give a history lesson on who I am and what I do....lol! I than go through the phase of hearing "so is this true...or did you really do this" and even sometimes the person stops talking to me or gives me the cold shoulder. It sucks....a lot! But I have become so immune to it that I pretty much just expect it. I am a PRO when it comes that phase of the relationship.


Anyways, its been happening a lot lately and I am getting kind of sick of it. Maybe its TURTLE in the SHELL time again..lol....ok drama much...hahaha! Its something I am learning to live with and accept. It also helps me realize who my real friends are, because even though people have lots to say about me, my real friends are always there and truly stand by me through thick and thin.

 Ok....I think I made my point about all this...hopefully I don't feel the urge to write anymore about it ...cause OHKA people might think I am depressed or something. I am not I just like to write what comes to mind....I am HAPPY and I do love LIFE...just taking everyday as a learning experience and hopefully become a better person in the end...

COME WHAT MAY and LOVE IT!

SOLI ATU...

The power of saying "I am sorry" Does it really work or make things all better? I use to think so...but for some people the word "sorry" is merely a word or an expression. I am guessing because its used so much as a savior...in a sense that you think saying sorry is going to save you from your mistakes.

Well, I am learning that sorry means nothing when its just said and never backed up by action. Like you can say sorry for doing something wrong but there is no real connection between your sorry and your intentions. You say sorry thinking that will make things better, but not really feeling sorry for what you have done. This is when "sorry" becomes just a word and never really means anything. Your intentions have to be in the right place before you say sorry, not saying it because you want to save yourself...saying it because you genuinely feel sorry for what you have done.

I feel sorry for a lot of the mistakes I have made, especially with some recent events in my life. My problem was that I never made the change in my heart and mind before I said sorry. My sorryz became worthless and even pointless. It was pretty much pointless to say sorry for what I was doing when my intentions were not in the right place. I regret ever letting it get that far...because in the end I hurt someone I truly care so much about. Its been a life learning lesson that I wish I could take back, but I am trying to look at the positive side of my challenges.

I now know I cannot say "sorry"for the mistakes I make until I have a change of heart and I am truly sorry. I use to think admitting to my mistakes was the only thing I needed to make things better, but it has to be a heart felt "I AM SORRY" with action to back it up. Its a struggle to not use "sorry" as a saving factor if I have nothing to back it up. Its a new goal I have added to my "taking little steps to get to my destination of HAPPINESS," to only say sorry if there is a connection between my mind and heart first!

COME WHAT MAY and LOVE IT!

ZUSHI!

I AM SO FAT RIGHT NOW...and HAVE BEEN ALL WEEK. I ATE SUSHI 8 TIMES THIS WEEK....MY BODY IS GONNA GET IT....its so hard to resist it! I feel like a fat rice ball its so gross....I mean its ok if I eat like this and I am working out, but its another thing when I eat like this and than go to sleep right after....no bueno whats so ever!!

I am really going to try and cut down, but oh my gosh it is so hard. I seriously get the worse cravings for it! I am gonna stop when I can't fit any of my clothes....UGH....lol! I am so FAT! For real I can't believe how much I have let myself go...I blame my last JOB hahaha JK...its my fault. I JUST LOVE SUSHI sooooo MUCH! :)

DAYS OF MY LIFE...LOL!

So this blog might be a little personal...so if your gonna say "DONT EXPLAIN UR LIFE" well....don't read this one than! :)

I was with a really good friend last night and she was telling me about somethings people had been saying about me...not really recently but has been rumors in the air for a while...like I said in an earlier blog I already know people have lots to say about me and I really don't care unless it effects the people I love and care about. Well, this has to be the best rumor I have heard in a long time...and trust me I have heard it all from me being pregnant..to having an abortion...to being a whore...a player and most of all a HOMEWRECKER. Anyways, I actually heard this rumor before from a friend who had heard it from a girl who well doesn't really like me too much (all the he said she said JUNK)....the rumor consisted of MANY untrue things and amazes me that a guy would go to the extent of including me in such a false fabrication...to maybe make himself look a little cooler...its pretty disgusting to me...and makes me really believe that GUYS talk like GIRLS!

The rumor was that I was in a wedding line....ran away with the GROOM, did stuff, and than got kicked out of the line....hmmmm sounds like a movie huh? Sometimes I feel like my life should be a SoapOpera...its just filled with so many stories. Most of the time it makes me laugh to hear these "MADE UP" stories...again I am far from perfect and YES a lot has happened in my life....but BY NO MEANS would I ever do such a thing.

I won't rant an rave about this cause its already wasted a moment of my time...just FREAKING CRACKS me up that people go to such extents to make a person look bad....I am a GIRL...I am SINGLE and I like to LIVE LIFE! If thats a CRIME...well...thats something only the man up above can determine:) I love my life and I love those who choose to be apart of the craziness...I appreciate my true friends who always have my back no matter what rumors they hear or how much people persecute them for being friends with ME! In my mind....HANG OUT WITH ME live a day in my life....and than if you have something to say...well by all means go ahead.

LOL I am not mad (I PROMISE:)) or is the post DRAMA....just some recent thoughts...so if you read it and understand...PROPS to YA! LOL>

COME WHAT MAY AND LOVE IT!

HUMBLED...

It has been a humbling couple of weeks. Lets just say I feel like I am slowly starting to get things back into place. I kind of fell apart for a while and BLAME no one but myself. I let LIFE get the best of me and kick me in the rear end a couple of times. The FUN has kind of ended and reality is knocking on my door. I have had a very HARD/SAD/HAPPY/EVENTFUL/PAINFUL/STRESSFUL/AMAZING year so far as you can tell from my randomness on my blogs. I go from SUPER DUPER happy to all of a sudden in this weird dramatic mood. Anyways, I haven't blogged for a while and felt like today was a good day to catch up.

I had my last night at Delta for the season, I will return in October, and it was bittersweet. I complained a lot about the job, but looking back at it, it really was a chill job. I guess I just always felt like I was wasting the day, but really a productive day to me lately is laying around watching TV and eating. I have seriously become so lazy because of my job on the ramp. Again, I blame no one but MYSELF for this one.

But as one door closes another one opens. I was offered a really amazing internship/job and it has been keeping me really busy. Its actually motivating me to get up and move because I have deadlines I have to meet. Its all exciting work and can't wait for it to take off. I will share more later, but pretty much its doing stuff I love to do, in a place I love and for people I have come to appreciate and LOVE!

Love....oh dear how the word has cause GREAT happiness and pain. Its been difficult, sadly I wasn't as smart as I should and could of been...regret a lot of my actions, but I know that I can only try to learn from my mistakes. I really became someone I didn't want to become. I hurt people I truly love and care about because I chose to be selfish. I chose to think about myself and the things I wanted. I failed to appreciate the people who really cared and were just looking out for me. If I could rewind, I would make it all better again, but what is done is done and I can only try to make the future better.

Life is coming at me fast and I know I need to take the reigns again, take control of my life...who I am...what I do and most importantly who I help! Its not about me...its about getting lost in helping others. I have always been a "people pleaser"and try to make everyone happy, but that kind of lifestyle doesn't last very long and ends up hurting someone down the line. I want to be better and forget about my wants and focus on the needs of others, work on not trying to please people for my own exposure, but to genuinely help them.

COME WHAT MAY and LOVE IT!

Hotel Holiday Inn....

My most favorite thing to do while staying at a hotel is SLEEEEEEP. I would seriously rent a room just to lay in bed and watch TV. I don't have to worry about making my bed, cleaning,washing my towels or paying the AC bill...hahaha. I love staying in hotels.

Luckily my favorite cousin/sister Liberty Afeaki got a job working at Springhill Marriott, so that means DISCOUNT rooms..can I get an amen!! Well, we decided to get a room last Saturday night so we could be close to the festivities of the birthday and wouldn't have to worry about driving back and forth. Our planned one night stay..ended up a week long in the hotel. We woke up every morning looking at each other saying....hmmm lets stay one more night....mostly because we were so lazy from staying up the night before! It was too much fun..both Lei and I got to spend some QT with our big sis Finau Afeaki and our other family and friends.

It was a week long of eating out...spending time together...sleeping all day and not even cleaning up after ourselves. It was actually kind of gross...hahaha! But we had fun!

Until the next hotel stay...(when I get money cause I am broke from this last extravaganza...no bueno)

Control Freak!

I have always been a "CONTROL FREAK"...lol! Just ask my mom!! I always like to have a hand in the things I am involved in. It has always been a habit of mine...(its probably super irritating to people I work with..LOL) I am working on being better about it and learning to sit back and chill sometimes. I have a tendency to get way too involved in things and catch myself trying to control everything. it gets pretty bad because I get so emotionally attached, I over drain myself trying to make sure things happen the way they should or atleast the way I think it should.

Anyways I am babbling on and on about it...so I realized its not bad to be a "CONTROL FREAK" if you know how to channel the desire to make things happen. Its ok to always want to be involved, but it comes down to learning how to control it and not letting it take control of YOU! I truly believe life is way too short to not get the most out of life...but that does not mean you have to drain yourself and OVERKILL! (which I am very GUILTY of) to make the best of it!

I want to ENJOY life and that means learning how to sit back and actually enjoy it. I usually feel like LIFE isn't going to move or progress unless I take control of EVERYTHING, well I am learning that my life is a gift I was given to take care of, nurture and enhance. I cant CONTROL everything and because of that I can't out do myself. I need to cherish my life like the lord intended me to! To take care of  myself as if I was a mother to a newborn baby. Life is way to precious to waste energy and time...so instead of being a FREAK about it...I gotta be a PRO...so instead of downing myself as a CONTROL FREAK I am gonna grow and develop into a CONTROL PRO (sounds dumb but OH WELL)

                                                                    COME WHAT MAY AND LOVE IT!!!

WOORRDDD!!

The past couple of weeks have been trialing....well I should say the past couple of months...but I have learned so much about myself and even other people. It's crazy how you learn so much from your struggles...I really think its because you HATE the feeling so much that you remember so well how you don't ever want to feel like that again. I know I have made mistakes in the past and I try to learn from them. Its definitely an ongoing process I am working on...but I also don't think I will ever stop learning from them.

One thing I learned and have come the realization of ...is this is that no matter what you do in life...many people not all (no stereotyping)... will always remember the BAD over the GOOD! You could save the world and people will only remember the mistakes you have made. You make a mistakes and it seems like people only judge you through those mistakes...they question your intentions and assume the worst. Every move you make is judge through the reflection of your mistakes. Life is HARD and sadly we as human beings make it so much harder for each other!!

It comes down to the POWER OF THE SPOKEN WORD...it can move mountains, change the world...but sadly it can even ruin homes and friendships. Words are like water to plants.....it can give life and nutrients, and on the other hand words are like knives...they cut skin deep and leave lasting wounds. It's a weapon or tool we all posses...


There has been a couple of incidents in the past weeks that has made me HATE words and all the negative things about it. I was approached by a very valid source, a special friend, that things were being said about me...my past, every mistake I have made in life and even some MADE UP stories. It amazed me that people care enough to KNOW so much about my life and share it with others to make me look bad and even ruin my rep... but it also made me feel sad that so much time and effort was put into "not liking me" I know I can't control what people say or think, that is out of my control....but it just goes to show how powerful WORDS really can be.

Like I said in my other blog...I only care about making those WORDS right if its someone I love and care about or it is going to effect them. I can't stop everyone from thinking or judging...but I am trying to make it a personal goal that the WORDS that leave my mouth are those that sustain and nurture life...Its a CHALLENGE but I am going to TRY! Gotta stay optimistic and POSITIVE! Like my best friend says "come what may and LOVE it"

 

DRA to the MA

Who likes Drama? hmmm I am pretty sure everyone will say "negative" to that one. I personally don't like drama, but for some reason I have a drama magnet on my left shoulder. am I feeling sorry for myself and playing the victim? nope...not at all. I know that I am not perfect....I have made many mistakes in my lifetime..if I could rewind time trust me I would. but I do truly believe there is a proper way of handling "drama"

I think drama is inevitable...everyone at some point in their life is going to get mixed into it...sad even the most innocent do too! I hate Drama and I have come to realization through a lot of my struggles that although its hard to avoid drama you can always make the best of it. in some occasions drama has to happen for people to get over things. Sometimes drama has to happen for people to realize what is important in life.

I don't like to be angry and most of the time I let things I hear slide...put it on the back burner cause I don't care. I have said this numerous of times to my close friends....I don't care what people have to say about me, until it is someone I care about saying it. if its someone I don't know and they talk about me...well I have no control over that (only effect it has is that it makes me question my actions and how I may be presenting myself to people and maybe I need to change certain things...its more of a reality check) The only time I care to sort out Drama is if A. I really did do something wrong B.If its a close friend who I have let in my life and knows how I am. C. If its Family D.if its going to effect people I love and care about.

Like I said before I am not playing the victim at all...I know sometimes I gotta GROW UP and take things as they come. I use to try to be EVERYONES friend...A PEOPLE PLEASER...and trust me it was so hard. I always did what people wanted me to do...almost living life for everyone else...lately I have been trying to do what I want...live for ME! Its been nice but it has also been VERY hard. I know I am not Perfect...and in most cases you are judged your whole life because of the mistakes you made in the past. Its so hard to breakthrough prejudgement...a person hears something about you and every move you make is judged through that predetermination of who you are as a person.

Life is hard...the lord knew that...but he also knew we could handle it! I try to keep that in mind, the lord will never give me anything I can't handle. DRA to the MA is the Adversaries KEY to separating us as people...he uses it to fill our hearts with hatred...jealously and anger...its the only way he can sustain his own life. I am not trying to get all gospel...but its the TRUTH regardless of what you believe. I am going to take everyday as it comes...if I do what I know is right...than that is all that matters.... DRA to the MA can't and won't stop me now....(LOL)

STAND BY ME...

Working for the airlines definitely has its PROZ...like for one I fly FREE...thank you! I work with some cool peeps, well all the Tongan guys who tell me stories about my dad and take me to eat when they don't "FORGET" their wallets. Its a love hate kind of job. I get a workout so that is good and I don't have to put on a fake SMILE for the bags! hahaha...the best thing is that I can go to work full on HASH BAH GASH! I don't need to do my hair, I wear my SEXY yet so flattering cargo pants and a button up shirt...I always say you can just call me "TOM" when I am in my uniform. Its a real chill laid back atmosphere....

But the CONZ...is when you need to get home to WORK... you can't because you are stuck flying STAND BY. So, I decided to stay a day longer than Sega and Evette cause I wanted to spend some quality time with my dad and maybe dance a little at PCC....ya well that decision has kind of screwed me over cause now I can't get out! I have been texting everyone...blowing up their phones...irritating the CRAP out of them to work for me! Its annoying me so I can only imagine what they are thinking.

Anyways, I am trying again tonight....but this morning was priceless....my two cool friends Pewa and Leise were so kind to get up at 6 AM to take me to try and catch a 7:55 AM flight to LA...well Leise was speeding and fully got a ticket, and than half way there I looked at the flight again and it looked HORRIBLE...there was no way I was going to get out, so we decided to go to Kailua and eat at "BOOTS AND KIMOZ"..it was so delicious. I am so hungry right now thinking about it!!

I HATE FLYING STANDBY...it SUCKS...but flying FREE I LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!

HA Breath of Life

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE POLYNESIAN CENTER CULTURAL CENTER'S SHOW HA "BREATH OF LIFE"

I have been so blessed to be apart of the Center officially since 2003 but practically my whole life. I LOVE LOVE LOVE to dance. My knowledge and ability to dance is because of the Center as well as my Tahitian group NONOSINA. I have been trained and taught by the best....I am so grateful!

I danced last night at the HA show, even with my ugly tan lines from playing volleyball earlier, and it was so nice. It makes me want to stay home and not go back to Utah. I was reminded about how much dancing has been a part of my life. I am truly happy when I dance! I can't wait to come back and dance regularly!

I was also blessed to take promotional pictures for the Center as well...Eleni is every where cause she is the pretty girl Mana wants to marry. I am just the mother (cause I am chubbier) so I have a fake belly and a picture with a baby.. its all good I count my blessings. But what is more cool is that they have a new bus and my sister is on one side and I am on the other. COOL huh! hahahha....I LOVE PCC!

HAWAII 5-O...

I learned and realized some amazing things on my trip home to Hawaii for the week. Its been such a relaxing meditative experience. I came with two of my friends for Ane Mapuz wedding to Marcus Salanoa. It was such a beautiful wedding, almost my dream wedding...haha! You could totally feel the love in the air...the spirits were high and you could really tell everyone was so happy for the couple.

Which made me come to these conclusions and realizations:
1. People will spend more money and put effort into your wedding if its in the temple
2.Your family will support and love you for marrying someone in the temple
3.The feeling of the wedding is so much fun and happier when you get married in the temple

These are very stereo typical assumptions of a temple wedding...but its true. There aren't as many hard feelings when you get married the right way.....which made me realize I want this kind of wedding. I want to marry someone who will take me to the temple....who can give me a HAPPY wedding with family members who support and love the both of us...I wouldn't want it any other way.

ENGAGED...last one standing

My BFF Teuila Oto just got engaged....that leaves ME...meaning everyone in our group of friends from High School will be married...except ME!...well this blog isn't going to be about me because YES I have accepted everything isnt about me "SAY YES TO TESS" hahahahaha!

Adrianne Galeai Finau and her beautiful family....Age is probably one of the funniest girls you will meet. She always kept us laughing and never failed to keep us smiling. She actually lives in Utah and I hardly see the girl! I need to FIX that....but yes she is MARRIED!

Aisha Ale Felesi is our go getter. You tell this girl to do something and she will get it done, we would always give her our stuff to sell for fundraisers because we knew she could sell it all. She has one little boy..Toni..who is gonna a heart throb....and YES she is MARRIED!!

Sachi Mamizuka Savaiigaea is the biggest HAWAIIAN kanack you will meet. She never betrays who she is and keeps it real. We were really tight in our younger days and spent like every moment together. Love this girl to the end. She has two beautiful boys and is a show stopper and YES she is PRACTICALLY MARRIED!!!

Leeann Mapu VolaVola...she is my RIDE or DIE girl! I don't know what I would do without this girl. She never fails to be there, shes always got my back through everything and always has a listening ear. I would do anything and everything for her...and YES she is MARRIED!!

Teuila Sianvi Oto....is the smallest middle school teacher you will ever meet. People mistake her for a student instead of a Teacher. She is so blunt, so whitty and so on it. She has her degree and a good job and just got ENGAGED...so weird. Teu is like a little sister to me, even though we are the same age I look at her that way. Love her to pieces.....and YES so soon will be MARRIED!!

AND THAN THERE IS ME...singe and HAPPY hahaha!! I am so excited for my friends and their marriages...they all better have lots of babies and name one of them after me! LOVE THEM ALL so MUCH!

Catching up....

So much has happened in the past couple of months...both good and bad. Wish I could change the bad, but I have decided I am just going to learn from it, let it go...and not dwell in it! I have a tendency to be really hard on myself when I make mistakes and most of the time stress myself out more than I need to. I think because I was raised with really high standards and high expectations, I feel like its the end of the world when I mess up. I am not very good at accepting mistakes at first, it usually takes me a really LONG time to get over it and learn from it, but once time has healed the wound I can move on like nothing ever happened!

I have made so many relationship mistakes....LIKE TOOO MANY! In the sense that I fall for guys who are technically not what I want or need in my life. Do I regret them...not wholly or fully, I regret my shortcomings and my inability to be better. I have learned so much from the not so successful relationships I have had...had to go through a lot of heartache and pain to get there....but in the end I truly do learn something.

I joke around all the time that I declare NUN status after every fallen relationship, and I actually really do in a sense. I totally take myself out of the dating scene and don't even want to be in it at all. I tend to devote my time to other things and get more involved. Its sometimes a GOOD thing cause I don't let things get in my way, but on the other hand I feel like I get so comfortable so easily...its going to get to a point where I am so comfortable...I DON'T GET MARRIED EVER!!

Not saying I don't want to get married, that is my ultimate goal....of course at the right time, in the right place and to the right person. I just feel like I am not going to get there if I continue on the road I have been on. I use to think I was Mother Teresa and I could save the world. I would date guys who I thought needed my help to be better, and would think I could help them make CHANGE. I wanted to be their guiding beacon, their foundation and motivation. In my past experiences...I have been those things, but when a person is changing for you and not for themselves, that change is not solidified...not REAL not absolute. The change has to come from their heart first, the mind next and than translated through the mouth and the hands.

I use to take their failures upon myself, when they failed or fell short I took the burden of failure upon myself in addition to my own pain and struggles. It was so unhealthy to be like this...like SUPERLY...lol! I avoid relationships because of this...because when I open that door and allow myself to CARE...I care WAY too much and struggle with closing that door.

Anyways, I am working at it...and this blog is getting way to long...hahaha! I look forward to the future and can't wait to find Mr.Right! In my special blessing...its says when I see and meet him...I WILL KNOW HE IS THE ONE....how exciting! Gotta be optimistic and have FAITH for the best!!!

I'm like a BIRD...

I have always loved  to TRAVEL....especially because I was spoiled dancing for the Polynesian Cultural Center promotional team for the past 8 years and have been traveling practically FREE. Like totally FREE...airfare, hotel transportation and even money for FOOD! 

I think its my calling in life to TRAVEL...haha cause now I work for DELTA and I still FLY FREE....LOVE IT. I have made some exciting trips in the past couple of months and probably irritated everyone to work for me while I enjoyed my lovely trips.

I went to Pittsburgh..for a STEELERS game...

 

 ARIZONA for a CARDINALS game...

FRANCE for a Montepelier RUGBY game...

HAWAII for my BFF wedding...

LA for some BFF time and NONOSINA practice...

PROVO LADY STEELERS

My favorite hard hitting beastly yet feminine chikaz....PLS

Our first 7z tournament...prettiest rugby players I know!!

Rugby has become a passion for me...sometimes.lol

Strength to Change!!

"I want change" is the theme of my WEEK! I need major change...mentally...physically and most importantly SPIRITUALLY.

A lot has happened in the past couple of months and I feel like I have let life take the wheel instead of me taking grasp of what happens in my life. 

I have come to far to let one thing change who I am as a person and more importantly the priceless relationships I have built.

"I WANT CHANGE"

Making the decision in my mind is the first step...building courage and strength is the second and than actually DOING IT is the final step. 

I CAN DO IT!!

BULA IRB 7z RUGBY VEGAS...FUN!

VIVA LAS VEGAS..right! This years IRB 7z was definitely an experience of a life time. It was an opportunity for thousands of people to come together and watch some good 'ol RUGBY!

BULA...I love it! We helped out with the GO TONGA GO campaign this year which combined with BULA BEVERAGE (Provo Lady Steeler Sponsor) to get people to sign a petition saying WE WANT TONGA in the IRB 7z. If you signed the petition you got a FREE Bula. What a bargain!!. I absolutely love Sione and Keiti Pouha and appreciate everything they have done for us. (We got new NIKE tennis shoes and a Nike Bag just for helping...so LUCKY!)

The whole weekend was AMAZING...I didn't get to spend enough time with everyone but it was nice seeing so many familiar faces. Duece and Pua Lutui kidnapped me for the weekend and spoiled me rotten with a room at the COSMOPOLITAN (yes the BRAND new one).

I got all of this to myself. I didn't expect it all....but it was so nice to enjoy this...I even had a HOT TUB!

Rugby was pretty intense...and I am so glad the PROVO LADY
STEELERS repp'd it well. We did such a good job for it being our first year. People kept talking about the impression we left and that we are a team to beat! Although, sadly we lost in the final game but it was a battle well fought ...like literally...we almost fought a couple if times..LOL. I even got a YELLOW card...SAD I know. But in the end we were still happy and PROUD of what we accomplished!

Here are some other photos from the weekend..I even danced for 3RP with all my scratches and bruises it was not cute...I played with Hawaii team in the International league and wore the prettiest uniforms..wore the highest heels to the Fiji/Jboog concert..which was so FUN!...ate a lot...slept alot and gambled a little....and won NOTHING!