LACK OF CONFIDENCE

If a stranger was to look into my life it would probably seem like from some of my accomplishments that I was a very confident person, they see that I was in pageants, I love dancing as well as playing rugby...along with getting involved and being pretty active in traveling and other things...My facebook pictures and status updates keep people involved in my life from where I am, what I am doing and even my daily emotions. I often think to myself is it all too much to let people into my life,  cause lots of the time things I do and say get twisted and misjudged...

However, I often contemplate in my head...am I really a confident person? I realize that in certain aspects of my life...I am SUPER confident, whereas other areas I have NO CONFIDENCE whatsoever! If you asked me to dance on stage infront of a thousand people, I would gladly take on the challenge and not be nervous. I feel like when I dance...nothing else matters in the world, no one in the audience matters or any problems or struggles I am going through even matter. I dance like no one is watching and really feel a connection with the music. I truly get lost in the music and the world phases out. I am the most happy when I am dancing! It is a feeling I cannot even put into words, but it makes me feel so powerful!!

I wish I had this same confidence when it comes to relationships and my self worth. This is one of my biggest weaknesses that I have struggled with really bad in the past three years. I have been in some very dramatic relationships that have dampened my view of self worth. I won't go into detail of them out of respects for the individuals, but simply I let the bad times get the best of me. To the point where I really second guess what I am worth. I feel like because I didn't seal the deal, I wasn't good enough, although in the end it worked out the way it needed to, I suffered from the side effects...thus causing me to become very insecure of who I am as a woman.

I am still struggling with this, but I feel like I finally making it back up the mountain I fell and slipped down. I am at the point where I am finding myself, learning about my weaknesses and how I can make them better. I am such a sucker when it comes to guys, like when I like someone my wall comes down and that wave of care takes over. I am realizing now that wave of care has been really toxic in my life, in the sense that I should of controlled the current of the wave and not allowed it to overtake like a tsunami. I care WAY too much and this often got me into trouble with my emotions. I either don't like the guy enough...or I like him WAAAAY too much that it ruins things. I am learning to just chill, simmer down, not rush things, and let fate take its path....

Its an ongoing challenge. I have faced a lot of struggles this summer, but it has truly made me put my life into better perspective of what I need to do and what is most important. I have challenged myself to be better, stronger and SMARTER!

COME WHAT MAY AND LOVE IT!