Catching up....

So much has happened in the past couple of months...both good and bad. Wish I could change the bad, but I have decided I am just going to learn from it, let it go...and not dwell in it! I have a tendency to be really hard on myself when I make mistakes and most of the time stress myself out more than I need to. I think because I was raised with really high standards and high expectations, I feel like its the end of the world when I mess up. I am not very good at accepting mistakes at first, it usually takes me a really LONG time to get over it and learn from it, but once time has healed the wound I can move on like nothing ever happened!

I have made so many relationship mistakes....LIKE TOOO MANY! In the sense that I fall for guys who are technically not what I want or need in my life. Do I regret them...not wholly or fully, I regret my shortcomings and my inability to be better. I have learned so much from the not so successful relationships I have had...had to go through a lot of heartache and pain to get there....but in the end I truly do learn something.

I joke around all the time that I declare NUN status after every fallen relationship, and I actually really do in a sense. I totally take myself out of the dating scene and don't even want to be in it at all. I tend to devote my time to other things and get more involved. Its sometimes a GOOD thing cause I don't let things get in my way, but on the other hand I feel like I get so comfortable so easily...its going to get to a point where I am so comfortable...I DON'T GET MARRIED EVER!!

Not saying I don't want to get married, that is my ultimate goal....of course at the right time, in the right place and to the right person. I just feel like I am not going to get there if I continue on the road I have been on. I use to think I was Mother Teresa and I could save the world. I would date guys who I thought needed my help to be better, and would think I could help them make CHANGE. I wanted to be their guiding beacon, their foundation and motivation. In my past experiences...I have been those things, but when a person is changing for you and not for themselves, that change is not solidified...not REAL not absolute. The change has to come from their heart first, the mind next and than translated through the mouth and the hands.

I use to take their failures upon myself, when they failed or fell short I took the burden of failure upon myself in addition to my own pain and struggles. It was so unhealthy to be like this...like SUPERLY...lol! I avoid relationships because of this...because when I open that door and allow myself to CARE...I care WAY too much and struggle with closing that door.

Anyways, I am working at it...and this blog is getting way to long...hahaha! I look forward to the future and can't wait to find Mr.Right! In my special blessing...its says when I see and meet him...I WILL KNOW HE IS THE ONE....how exciting! Gotta be optimistic and have FAITH for the best!!!