Minor clean up...

I use to be the type of person who wanted everyone around me to be happy and would go the extra mile to make sure they were. I would usually put everyone else's happiness before mine, hence why I was a total people pleaser. I admit it, I just wanted people to be happy, even if it meant sacrificing my own happiness.

It got pretty bad to the point where I wasn't being honest to myself with the things I was doing. I was also digging myself into a financial hole. A good friend of mine's mother asked if I could get a guava cake for her sisters birthday, so my over achiever self did so, the cake was massive and cost about $45 dollars, I can't take money from people, so of course I didnt let her pay me back. On top of that I agreed to deliver it to Slc, an hour away from where I live, another $40 in gas...I am not complaining, just stating facts of the story. By the end of the favor I spent $85. I was so happy to help that it never crossed my mind I was spending my own money. Well, until my poor college self went to pay my rent I was $55 short, I was so angry with myself, cause I hate asking people for help, I had to embarrassingly borrow the money from my brother. As I look back on it, I would of never had ask my brother if I didn't spend the $85.

Am I saying I should of never helped her out, no never, I should of been honest with myself that financially I couldn't spend $85 at that point because I had rent,car and school payments that needed to be made. I should of taken the money she was going to give me, I was doing her the favor and if she knew I was going to struggle she would of been very upset that I didn't take it in the first place. This is just an example of the type of person I was. I worried more about making her totally happy, I ended up stressing out and not so happy in the end.

Well, thats how I use to be but after being screwed one too many times, I am revamping my people pleasing habits. I am not going to be selfish or greedy, I just need to make minor changes to ensure I am happy along with those around me. I need to tone my willingness to help everyone a notch down. Make sure my priorities are taken care of and if I have any extras...share them with those I love. It's been hard learning to say " I really can't do it" but the power of being honest with myself is crucial to my sanity:).

Minor changes go a long way.

Come what may and love it.

Power of Identity

Who am I and where did I come from? What is my purpose? These are questions I often ask myself. Why am I on earth at this time, during this generation, with all of these struggles and temptations? Why did the Lord want me to be here? Of course from a gospel perspective I totally understand and except, but as a human being it is only natural to doubt what we know as true,especially when times get rough. It is quite contradictory that I do this, but seems so easily committed.

From a religious stand point, I am aware of my purpose here on earth and why I was sent here, but the fight with my conscious makes me doubt those purposes, mostly because I loose faith and have lack of confidence in my self worth. As I reflect on my past and all of the things I have accomplished and than compare it to my life now I often get discouraged as to what my purpose is. I set the bar pretty high at a young age and now feel like I have to top all of that, which I am realizing is quite difficult.

Coming to terms with the fact that I am in idle mode has been depressing, I took time off of school and have been barely working at Delta. It's has been a ride of emotions all at once. I think I lost sight of my purpose while worrying so much about what I wasn't doing, I failed to recognize the things I was doing. I get so involved in comparing my life to my own and even others,that I don't give myself any credit. I didn't let someone put my gears into idle mode, I put it there and choose to stay there, again swimming in my sorrows.

I can't do anything or be anyone until I gain full sight of my purpose, which means I have to let go of the competition I have with myself. I am never going to be Miss South Pacific again but that doesnt mean I stop aspiring to be something great. I know I can't do this on my own and am striving to stay focused on the important things.

Again...stay tuned.

Come what may and love it....
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Re-tracking my own footsteps...

It has been sometime since I have updated my blog, not necessarily on purpose or because I am super LAZY; I felt like my blog was becoming a site for my negativity and lack of optimism. Although, I write of true events and feelings in my life, I realized my writing wouldn't change until my attitude changed. If I learned to always look at the positive, the words and feelings would change.

A very good friend of mine, some one I call a brother and even look at as a fatherly figure, has truly embraced my life and given me some of the best advice and guidance. Along with his wife, one of my best friends and basically a sister, has helped me along this road of difficulty. They have made me feel like it is possible to feel loved again, to feel hope and have empowered me to get out of idle mode and do something better with my life. I attribute a lot of this motivation and inspiration to them....FOREVER GRATEFUL!

My goal is to now look on the brighter side of bad situations.I am have found myself swimming in my sorrows and almost feeling sorry for myself, which does nothing for the mind or the soul. Swimming in our sorrows doesn't make us stronger, it only dampers our spirits, and leaves the body shriveled and weak. I am ready to take back strokes out of this pool of missery and win the GOLD MEDAL!

I hope to keep my blogs positive and worthwhile. I want to take all the struggles and setbacks I have had all year as fuel to make things better, to be better and do better. Stay tuned....

COME WHAT MAY AND LoVE IT...


Going to conquer the unconquerable this week