a love note...

I kind of don't know how to react to the letter I just got...I am filled with so many different kinds of emotions and I can't really put my finger on it! I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!...but I also want to CRY...hmm this is mos def food for thought.

I ain't gonna rush to conclusion...but the power of words leaves an imprint on my heart...its ringing in my ears and burdening my thoughts...I am stronger this time around...but somehow it weakens my stance...speeds my heartbeat...and shortens my breath...I can do this...I can be STRONGER...its all in my hands!

Put up a front

So, I think its a little irritating when people try to put up a front...like act like they are one way when they really aren't. I mean I am so FAR from PERFECT...but I try live my life on the open and if its personal...keep it personal.....cause daanng some people totally put up a front and its a little bit annoying....just because they don't want to hear "I told you so."

Growing up your parents will always tell you don't do this and don't do that because this and that will happen, well of course its only natural to do what your told not to do, and when the outcome is exactly what your parents warned you against, you avoid them all in all because you don't want to hear the "I told you so." Well, I  have noticed that certain people put up status updates about being super religious and super happy in their relationship, but than you see and know otherwise.... and its like hmmm why put up a front about it...when your not?...is this judgmental? I think it is a little, but also hard to discern from the status update to what the eye sees. I know what its like to be judged...but this habit bugs me! If I update my status its day to day, REAL LIFE motivation and inspirations....not things that will dictate a persons thoughts about me...It is what it is...is what I like to call it!

I think some people feel like everyone is working against them, so they have to work that much harder to make it seem like they are HAPPY or whatever, they don't want to fail like everyone knew they would so they put up a front. Its kind of sad because when you know the behind the scenes stuff, and you see them put up the front, its heart breaking that they can't be honest with themselves about their situations! Fake it to make...gets you no where...be honest with yourself, you either fake the happiness to prove people wrong, but than deal with years of heartache or you humble yourself and admit you were wrong and put an end to putting up a front...and your life will be SO MUCH BETTER!

I do UNDERSTAND its hard...but I think putting up a front makings things that much harder....this isn't a very positive blog...but for me its about letting it out..the purpose of my BLOGs...to let it all OUT! hahahaha.

COME WHAT MAY AND LOVE IT!

New Job

So I love being Polynesian and its pretty evident in my lifestyle, hobbies and even habits:) I have met so many people through past experiences from CEOs, lawyers, business owners and many inspirational Polynesians. As I look back I am so amazed at the connections I have been able to make and keep through those experiences...one important contact happens to be my new "BOSS".

I am so excited for this job because it is doing exactly what I want to be doing...I realized I could never be an office type of girl, I can't handle sitting down for long periods of time, I need to be up and moving..hence my job at delta on the ramp...hahaha! Anywho, going back to why I love being Polynesian...and most importantly supporting other Polynesians. I have found a real passion in helping others, and with this job I am doing exactly this. Its kind of overwhelming because it could blow up into something HUGE...it already kind of is, but has potential of being even bigger! I wont spill too many beans cause its all still in the planning process, but I am locked in on a percentage and its pretty exciting to think that someday I won't have to WORK...hahaha JK I think I will always have to for my own personal sanity.

The purpose of the business is to take Polynesian products and do product placement and distribution! So, basically we are helping Polynesians specifically to achieve their dreams...and enhance their goal experiences. I love it! I love people who have DREAMS and work HARD to make it happen!

Its also exciting because I got me a BRAND NEW MAC BOOK PRO 15 inch! whoooohoo its so nice and even better it was FREE! I have a lot of work to do, and its nice cause its on my own time! I love it!

COME WHAT MAY and LOVE IT!

STABILITY...

Stability is my new favorite word....mostly because this is what I desire the most in my life right now. I been trying to be a lot more positive about the struggles I have been going through. It's been an ongoing process, I mean I know it will happen for the rest of my life...but just more frustrating right now. I have gone through a lot in the past couple of months...per all my dramatic blogs...hahaha! But I am finally making the treck back up the mountain....I slipped a ways down and kinda chilled for a while, but slowly I decided I need to get UP and keep it moving again.... here  are some of the challenges I have gone through and how I am trying to find the POSITIVE in the NEGATIVE...

I lost some really GOOD friends this year (no they didn't die) just lost the closeness and bond we once shared. I am a real push over when it comes to being MAD at people, I am not very good at it! I can't ever hold a grudge, and even though I may seem mad, I get over it really quickly and than just want to make everything right again. I usually apologize before the other person does, just because I hate being on bad terms with anyone...and even though it may not be fully and wholly my fault. I am also one who will go OUT of my way to make things right with people, especially the ones I love the most. In the beginning I was really depressed and sad about these lost friendships and would often lay in bed wishing I would of done things different and most of the time blame myself. I take a lot of pressure on, and really let it affect me and my emotions. Anyways....I can't change the way things have happened, I am learning to accept them and make the best of it. If I give all that I got to make it right and that person doesn't want to forgive me or let things go back to the way they use to be...well there is not much more I can do. I never give up, but sometimes space and time can heal all wounds.

I have been traveling a lot...both personal and for work...its been like this since my 10th grade year in High School. I mean don't get me wrong I LOVE to travel and see new places...but its been a little tiring lately! People always ask me why don't you have a boyfriend (besides everyone thinking I am a player/homewrecker/whore...you know the usual..LOL)...and my answer is...guys don't wanna date a girl they never see, who never knows where she is gonna be till the week of and can't say put! I am at that point in my life where although I love to TRAVEL...I want STABILITY! I want to finish school (I am a Senior and gonna be a Super Senior if I keep doing this)...I want this new business to take off...I want to have my own apartment again, belong to one ward, spend more time with my friends....build new relationships...and most of all DATE again! LOL! Is this too much to ask for...hahaha! I know people are gonna be like you little ungrateful brat...some people are dying to travel and get out and your over here complaining....NO like I said before, I love to travel and I am so grateful, I am just looking forward to the future STABILITY I am going to have in my life.

This blog is getting a little too long, but thats just a few of my struggles I am trying to find the POSITIVE in! Its a challenge...but I LOVE CHALLENGES...bring it on. I miss my lost friends and I really hope all is well with them, they know how much I care and appreciate them, but sometimes things like this happen to make you realize what and who is important!......

COME WHAT MAY AND LOVE IT...

BLOGGER or BOOGER

Its officially BLOGTIME…whoohoo! I have been totally slacking at keeping my blogs updated. So much has happened lately and I have failed to get it into writing format!

I am going to split it up according to dates and events and even random thoughts I have been having. I am so excited for the future and even more so of whom I am striving to become.  As you can tell from my previous blogs a lot of negative things have happened and I definitely didn’t fail to keep my thoughts jotted down when it came to all of that. I find it a little sad now that I reflect over my blog’s, everything seems so sad, dark and dreary. I am totally not this type of person. I always try to be HAPPY and make those around me HAPPY! Although, I have been approached by many about how many of my issues are similar to theirs and its relieving for them to read my blogs and feel like…AHHH I am not the only one going through this…this is why blogging is so POWERFUL…it truly arouses interest, emotion and even motivation.

So, if you decide to read my blogs I hope you find just that! I want to highlight the positive things in my life because I truly live a blessed life and instead of worrying about the things I don’t have, or the negative that’s that constantly bombard my life, I am going to find BALANCE. 

Come what may and LOVE it!

Do you hear what I hear....

If I hear....I heard this about you is it true?....one more time I am gonnna SCREEEEAAAAAMMM for ICE CREAAAAAAM.lol. JK. I swear I can never meet a new person or make friends with people without someone asking me this question. It often entertains me that people care so much to talk about me(not being cocky about it at all) and I feel like a lot of my blogs have been about this matter. I tell myself don't waste your time dwelling about it, but I figured thats why I have a blog to let it all OUT and like I said before if you are gonna say "Don't EXPLAIN your life"....well go read someone elses blog...hahaha NBFR!

It's gotten to a point where I walk into a room just assuming that everyone or someone in that room has something bad to say about me. It has mos def caused some insecurities in my life, but I try not to let it effect me too much! It's more annoying than anything...I just wanna wear a shirt that has all of my mistakes printed on it. I want everyone to know what I have done because of course I am not proud of them...but nor am I trying to hide it. Maybe if I did that...no one would ever ask me if something they heard was true...maybe I should really do it and get one printed in every color... could possibly start a new fashion statement.

What sucks the most about all of this is that I go through this phase with every new friend or guy I  talk to. Everything is all good...fun...happy and than when people start to notice I am getting close to someone or hanging out with someone, they feel the need to tell them all the rumors they hear about me and give a history lesson on who I am and what I do....lol! I than go through the phase of hearing "so is this true...or did you really do this" and even sometimes the person stops talking to me or gives me the cold shoulder. It sucks....a lot! But I have become so immune to it that I pretty much just expect it. I am a PRO when it comes that phase of the relationship.


Anyways, its been happening a lot lately and I am getting kind of sick of it. Maybe its TURTLE in the SHELL time again..lol....ok drama much...hahaha! Its something I am learning to live with and accept. It also helps me realize who my real friends are, because even though people have lots to say about me, my real friends are always there and truly stand by me through thick and thin.

 Ok....I think I made my point about all this...hopefully I don't feel the urge to write anymore about it ...cause OHKA people might think I am depressed or something. I am not I just like to write what comes to mind....I am HAPPY and I do love LIFE...just taking everyday as a learning experience and hopefully become a better person in the end...

COME WHAT MAY and LOVE IT!

SOLI ATU...

The power of saying "I am sorry" Does it really work or make things all better? I use to think so...but for some people the word "sorry" is merely a word or an expression. I am guessing because its used so much as a savior...in a sense that you think saying sorry is going to save you from your mistakes.

Well, I am learning that sorry means nothing when its just said and never backed up by action. Like you can say sorry for doing something wrong but there is no real connection between your sorry and your intentions. You say sorry thinking that will make things better, but not really feeling sorry for what you have done. This is when "sorry" becomes just a word and never really means anything. Your intentions have to be in the right place before you say sorry, not saying it because you want to save yourself...saying it because you genuinely feel sorry for what you have done.

I feel sorry for a lot of the mistakes I have made, especially with some recent events in my life. My problem was that I never made the change in my heart and mind before I said sorry. My sorryz became worthless and even pointless. It was pretty much pointless to say sorry for what I was doing when my intentions were not in the right place. I regret ever letting it get that far...because in the end I hurt someone I truly care so much about. Its been a life learning lesson that I wish I could take back, but I am trying to look at the positive side of my challenges.

I now know I cannot say "sorry"for the mistakes I make until I have a change of heart and I am truly sorry. I use to think admitting to my mistakes was the only thing I needed to make things better, but it has to be a heart felt "I AM SORRY" with action to back it up. Its a struggle to not use "sorry" as a saving factor if I have nothing to back it up. Its a new goal I have added to my "taking little steps to get to my destination of HAPPINESS," to only say sorry if there is a connection between my mind and heart first!

COME WHAT MAY and LOVE IT!