Have you ever heard of the beware of Tessi speech? Well, its going around and I am pretty sure you will hear it sooner or later. The speech consists of "how do you know Tessi?" and "are you guys close...close?" than it leads into "well, you just need to be careful because I hear a lot of things about her..." and if the other person is really interested it goes into more depth of "she is evil, she is sneaky, she will steal your man, and she is manipulating.." Doesn't this speech sound so inspirational, motivational and all the worthwhile?
Well, sadly I have been approached about this speech one too many times in the past weeks and it is a little disheartening to think people interpret my actions this way. Like I have claimed in every blog I write...I AM NOT PERFECT and yes I have made tons of MISTAKES. However, do not fool me for an idiot, if I do something wrong...trust me I will always call my faults, if there is anything anyone can know about me it is that I have a very guitly conscience and cannot act like I didn't do something wrong.
Another thing you should know about me...I love to help people and in most cases will do everything I can for people I love and care about. I will come to your house and wash your dishes, clean your house and watch your kids. My happiness comes from doing things like this. Its not about getting in good with the family, or sucking up or trying to make my way in. I genuienly would do this for anyone. However this is interpretated as I like someone in the family, I want something, or just trying to manipulate my way in for acceptance. WRONG.
Another part of the speech consists of me and all my love affairs, guys I mess around with, guys I play and some crued things I supposedly do. AGAIN, I am a girl and yes I do like guys, but NO I do not mess around and unfortunately I have had many relationships go bad, even to the point of the other individual telling me 'if I can't have you...no one else will"...so he started all these crued, untrue rumors about me. A kiss is very special to me, I would never share it with just anyone, it would be someone special and someone I have a relationship with. Please do not LISTEN to all the RUMORS...ask me and I will GLADLY TELL ALL!
Lastly the speech consists of "do you know she has drama with so and so, and this and that happened?"...People I have no drama with ANYONE, I know there are a lot of people that have issues with me and I am sorry. I would love to talk to them out, make things better, but when I am driving down a one way road this is quite difficult. Its not worth it for me to hate anyone, hold grudges, cause I can't. I suck at being mad at people and it never lasts long....I am trying to be HAPPY as I want everyone else to be HAPPY...drama is such a waste of time. So if you ever hear I have drama with someone, please excuse it...CAUSE I DON'T.
Here I go again with another EXPLAIN my LIFE blog, but I am starting to realize this is my life, this is things I have to deal with everyday of my life. I wake up to a new RUMOR every morning...its an endless battle. So blogging is going to be my venting machine...read if you want...if you don't thats cool too:)
Tessywessy
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Minor clean up...
I use to be the type of person who wanted everyone around me to be happy and would go the extra mile to make sure they were. I would usually put everyone else's happiness before mine, hence why I was a total people pleaser. I admit it, I just wanted people to be happy, even if it meant sacrificing my own happiness.
It got pretty bad to the point where I wasn't being honest to myself with the things I was doing. I was also digging myself into a financial hole. A good friend of mine's mother asked if I could get a guava cake for her sisters birthday, so my over achiever self did so, the cake was massive and cost about $45 dollars, I can't take money from people, so of course I didnt let her pay me back. On top of that I agreed to deliver it to Slc, an hour away from where I live, another $40 in gas...I am not complaining, just stating facts of the story. By the end of the favor I spent $85. I was so happy to help that it never crossed my mind I was spending my own money. Well, until my poor college self went to pay my rent I was $55 short, I was so angry with myself, cause I hate asking people for help, I had to embarrassingly borrow the money from my brother. As I look back on it, I would of never had ask my brother if I didn't spend the $85.
Am I saying I should of never helped her out, no never, I should of been honest with myself that financially I couldn't spend $85 at that point because I had rent,car and school payments that needed to be made. I should of taken the money she was going to give me, I was doing her the favor and if she knew I was going to struggle she would of been very upset that I didn't take it in the first place. This is just an example of the type of person I was. I worried more about making her totally happy, I ended up stressing out and not so happy in the end.
Well, thats how I use to be but after being screwed one too many times, I am revamping my people pleasing habits. I am not going to be selfish or greedy, I just need to make minor changes to ensure I am happy along with those around me. I need to tone my willingness to help everyone a notch down. Make sure my priorities are taken care of and if I have any extras...share them with those I love. It's been hard learning to say " I really can't do it" but the power of being honest with myself is crucial to my sanity:).
Minor changes go a long way.
Come what may and love it.
It got pretty bad to the point where I wasn't being honest to myself with the things I was doing. I was also digging myself into a financial hole. A good friend of mine's mother asked if I could get a guava cake for her sisters birthday, so my over achiever self did so, the cake was massive and cost about $45 dollars, I can't take money from people, so of course I didnt let her pay me back. On top of that I agreed to deliver it to Slc, an hour away from where I live, another $40 in gas...I am not complaining, just stating facts of the story. By the end of the favor I spent $85. I was so happy to help that it never crossed my mind I was spending my own money. Well, until my poor college self went to pay my rent I was $55 short, I was so angry with myself, cause I hate asking people for help, I had to embarrassingly borrow the money from my brother. As I look back on it, I would of never had ask my brother if I didn't spend the $85.
Am I saying I should of never helped her out, no never, I should of been honest with myself that financially I couldn't spend $85 at that point because I had rent,car and school payments that needed to be made. I should of taken the money she was going to give me, I was doing her the favor and if she knew I was going to struggle she would of been very upset that I didn't take it in the first place. This is just an example of the type of person I was. I worried more about making her totally happy, I ended up stressing out and not so happy in the end.
Well, thats how I use to be but after being screwed one too many times, I am revamping my people pleasing habits. I am not going to be selfish or greedy, I just need to make minor changes to ensure I am happy along with those around me. I need to tone my willingness to help everyone a notch down. Make sure my priorities are taken care of and if I have any extras...share them with those I love. It's been hard learning to say " I really can't do it" but the power of being honest with myself is crucial to my sanity:).
Minor changes go a long way.
Come what may and love it.
Power of Identity
Who am I and where did I come from? What is my purpose? These are questions I often ask myself. Why am I on earth at this time, during this generation, with all of these struggles and temptations? Why did the Lord want me to be here? Of course from a gospel perspective I totally understand and except, but as a human being it is only natural to doubt what we know as true,especially when times get rough. It is quite contradictory that I do this, but seems so easily committed.
From a religious stand point, I am aware of my purpose here on earth and why I was sent here, but the fight with my conscious makes me doubt those purposes, mostly because I loose faith and have lack of confidence in my self worth. As I reflect on my past and all of the things I have accomplished and than compare it to my life now I often get discouraged as to what my purpose is. I set the bar pretty high at a young age and now feel like I have to top all of that, which I am realizing is quite difficult.
Coming to terms with the fact that I am in idle mode has been depressing, I took time off of school and have been barely working at Delta. It's has been a ride of emotions all at once. I think I lost sight of my purpose while worrying so much about what I wasn't doing, I failed to recognize the things I was doing. I get so involved in comparing my life to my own and even others,that I don't give myself any credit. I didn't let someone put my gears into idle mode, I put it there and choose to stay there, again swimming in my sorrows.
I can't do anything or be anyone until I gain full sight of my purpose, which means I have to let go of the competition I have with myself. I am never going to be Miss South Pacific again but that doesnt mean I stop aspiring to be something great. I know I can't do this on my own and am striving to stay focused on the important things.
Again...stay tuned.
Come what may and love it....
..
From a religious stand point, I am aware of my purpose here on earth and why I was sent here, but the fight with my conscious makes me doubt those purposes, mostly because I loose faith and have lack of confidence in my self worth. As I reflect on my past and all of the things I have accomplished and than compare it to my life now I often get discouraged as to what my purpose is. I set the bar pretty high at a young age and now feel like I have to top all of that, which I am realizing is quite difficult.
Coming to terms with the fact that I am in idle mode has been depressing, I took time off of school and have been barely working at Delta. It's has been a ride of emotions all at once. I think I lost sight of my purpose while worrying so much about what I wasn't doing, I failed to recognize the things I was doing. I get so involved in comparing my life to my own and even others,that I don't give myself any credit. I didn't let someone put my gears into idle mode, I put it there and choose to stay there, again swimming in my sorrows.
I can't do anything or be anyone until I gain full sight of my purpose, which means I have to let go of the competition I have with myself. I am never going to be Miss South Pacific again but that doesnt mean I stop aspiring to be something great. I know I can't do this on my own and am striving to stay focused on the important things.
Again...stay tuned.
Come what may and love it....
..
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Re-tracking my own footsteps...
It has been sometime since I have updated my blog, not necessarily on purpose or because I am super LAZY; I felt like my blog was becoming a site for my negativity and lack of optimism. Although, I write of true events and feelings in my life, I realized my writing wouldn't change until my attitude changed. If I learned to always look at the positive, the words and feelings would change.
A very good friend of mine, some one I call a brother and even look at as a fatherly figure, has truly embraced my life and given me some of the best advice and guidance. Along with his wife, one of my best friends and basically a sister, has helped me along this road of difficulty. They have made me feel like it is possible to feel loved again, to feel hope and have empowered me to get out of idle mode and do something better with my life. I attribute a lot of this motivation and inspiration to them....FOREVER GRATEFUL!
My goal is to now look on the brighter side of bad situations.I am have found myself swimming in my sorrows and almost feeling sorry for myself, which does nothing for the mind or the soul. Swimming in our sorrows doesn't make us stronger, it only dampers our spirits, and leaves the body shriveled and weak. I am ready to take back strokes out of this pool of missery and win the GOLD MEDAL!
I hope to keep my blogs positive and worthwhile. I want to take all the struggles and setbacks I have had all year as fuel to make things better, to be better and do better. Stay tuned....
COME WHAT MAY AND LoVE IT...
Going to conquer the unconquerable this week
A very good friend of mine, some one I call a brother and even look at as a fatherly figure, has truly embraced my life and given me some of the best advice and guidance. Along with his wife, one of my best friends and basically a sister, has helped me along this road of difficulty. They have made me feel like it is possible to feel loved again, to feel hope and have empowered me to get out of idle mode and do something better with my life. I attribute a lot of this motivation and inspiration to them....FOREVER GRATEFUL!
My goal is to now look on the brighter side of bad situations.I am have found myself swimming in my sorrows and almost feeling sorry for myself, which does nothing for the mind or the soul. Swimming in our sorrows doesn't make us stronger, it only dampers our spirits, and leaves the body shriveled and weak. I am ready to take back strokes out of this pool of missery and win the GOLD MEDAL!
I hope to keep my blogs positive and worthwhile. I want to take all the struggles and setbacks I have had all year as fuel to make things better, to be better and do better. Stay tuned....
COME WHAT MAY AND LoVE IT...
Going to conquer the unconquerable this week
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Liahona Ladies...
Anyways, we attended the one in San Francisco this past summer...luckily I was able to run away from Tonga and be there with my sisters. My dad pretty much told me he would disown me if I was not there to dance with them..so yes I couldn't make him mad and I did everything I could to be there!
It was crazy...typical Tongan dances and feast. People really go all out for this function and donate thousands and thousands of dollars...IN CASH during this reunion. I so shocked at all the money being thrown around. I was like umm can I just get a $1000 hahaha I mean people be throwing it around like they mowed it up or picked it off the tree....HOI!
I had a blast with my sisters and parents. Love them and love my dads class shirts...so cool!
I went back to Tonga and the people who saw this picture kept saying "Wheh Tessi is a twin" lol. I wish I was tall and skinny like her:)
COME WHAT MAY AND LOVE IT!!
LACK OF CONFIDENCE
If a stranger was to look into my life it would probably seem like from some of my accomplishments that I was a very confident person, they see that I was in pageants, I love dancing as well as playing rugby...along with getting involved and being pretty active in traveling and other things...My facebook pictures and status updates keep people involved in my life from where I am, what I am doing and even my daily emotions. I often think to myself is it all too much to let people into my life, cause lots of the time things I do and say get twisted and misjudged...
However, I often contemplate in my head...am I really a confident person? I realize that in certain aspects of my life...I am SUPER confident, whereas other areas I have NO CONFIDENCE whatsoever! If you asked me to dance on stage infront of a thousand people, I would gladly take on the challenge and not be nervous. I feel like when I dance...nothing else matters in the world, no one in the audience matters or any problems or struggles I am going through even matter. I dance like no one is watching and really feel a connection with the music. I truly get lost in the music and the world phases out. I am the most happy when I am dancing! It is a feeling I cannot even put into words, but it makes me feel so powerful!!
I wish I had this same confidence when it comes to relationships and my self worth. This is one of my biggest weaknesses that I have struggled with really bad in the past three years. I have been in some very dramatic relationships that have dampened my view of self worth. I won't go into detail of them out of respects for the individuals, but simply I let the bad times get the best of me. To the point where I really second guess what I am worth. I feel like because I didn't seal the deal, I wasn't good enough, although in the end it worked out the way it needed to, I suffered from the side effects...thus causing me to become very insecure of who I am as a woman.
I am still struggling with this, but I feel like I finally making it back up the mountain I fell and slipped down. I am at the point where I am finding myself, learning about my weaknesses and how I can make them better. I am such a sucker when it comes to guys, like when I like someone my wall comes down and that wave of care takes over. I am realizing now that wave of care has been really toxic in my life, in the sense that I should of controlled the current of the wave and not allowed it to overtake like a tsunami. I care WAY too much and this often got me into trouble with my emotions. I either don't like the guy enough...or I like him WAAAAY too much that it ruins things. I am learning to just chill, simmer down, not rush things, and let fate take its path....
Its an ongoing challenge. I have faced a lot of struggles this summer, but it has truly made me put my life into better perspective of what I need to do and what is most important. I have challenged myself to be better, stronger and SMARTER!
COME WHAT MAY AND LOVE IT!
However, I often contemplate in my head...am I really a confident person? I realize that in certain aspects of my life...I am SUPER confident, whereas other areas I have NO CONFIDENCE whatsoever! If you asked me to dance on stage infront of a thousand people, I would gladly take on the challenge and not be nervous. I feel like when I dance...nothing else matters in the world, no one in the audience matters or any problems or struggles I am going through even matter. I dance like no one is watching and really feel a connection with the music. I truly get lost in the music and the world phases out. I am the most happy when I am dancing! It is a feeling I cannot even put into words, but it makes me feel so powerful!!
I wish I had this same confidence when it comes to relationships and my self worth. This is one of my biggest weaknesses that I have struggled with really bad in the past three years. I have been in some very dramatic relationships that have dampened my view of self worth. I won't go into detail of them out of respects for the individuals, but simply I let the bad times get the best of me. To the point where I really second guess what I am worth. I feel like because I didn't seal the deal, I wasn't good enough, although in the end it worked out the way it needed to, I suffered from the side effects...thus causing me to become very insecure of who I am as a woman.
I am still struggling with this, but I feel like I finally making it back up the mountain I fell and slipped down. I am at the point where I am finding myself, learning about my weaknesses and how I can make them better. I am such a sucker when it comes to guys, like when I like someone my wall comes down and that wave of care takes over. I am realizing now that wave of care has been really toxic in my life, in the sense that I should of controlled the current of the wave and not allowed it to overtake like a tsunami. I care WAY too much and this often got me into trouble with my emotions. I either don't like the guy enough...or I like him WAAAAY too much that it ruins things. I am learning to just chill, simmer down, not rush things, and let fate take its path....
Its an ongoing challenge. I have faced a lot of struggles this summer, but it has truly made me put my life into better perspective of what I need to do and what is most important. I have challenged myself to be better, stronger and SMARTER!
COME WHAT MAY AND LOVE IT!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
My minds telling me NO...
I need a little bit of venting time right now and lets just say this isn't the best way to return back to blogging, but I been in Tonga where the internet runs as slow as my two step on a bad day...hahaha did that make any sense?
Well, this summer has brought out the GOOD, the BAD and the oh so UGLY in me. There has been so many road blocks that have tried to come in my way and stop me from getting to where I want, from dishonest people, haters, non believers and lazy ASSSSHHH people! I never knew there were so many cruel, two faced people in this world, and sadly I have met many of them in my life time. But, wait before you think I am being judgemental and irrational, please understand that I am speaking for myself and only myself, through my own opinions no one elses. I do not and WILL NOT HATE FOR FREE!
I know what it is like to be hated on and trust me, I would never wish this cruelty on another human being. I am talking more about relevant facts...I go off facts not fairy tales and rumors, but what I see with my own eyes. I do not liked to be blamed for the action of others, take for instant if your man texts me or calls me...is it my fault? Or if your man adds me on facebook and I accept because I am a nice person... why not...is it my fault or am I trying to get at him? Hmm all these questions have arised over the summer, and I am trying to fathom why its always my fault. Yes, I make mistakes and sometimes can be nice and UNDERSTANDING, but geeez cut me some slack, its not always my fault!
I am so irritated by some of the things I have heard over the past couple of days. I am not after your boyfriend or husband so GET OVER IT and maybe spend more time working out your relationship than worrying about others. I have been gone all summer and yet my name is still wrapped up in peoples mouths, my goodness....GET OVER IT! HOI this blog is way too dramatic..but I had to let it out!
Well, this summer has brought out the GOOD, the BAD and the oh so UGLY in me. There has been so many road blocks that have tried to come in my way and stop me from getting to where I want, from dishonest people, haters, non believers and lazy ASSSSHHH people! I never knew there were so many cruel, two faced people in this world, and sadly I have met many of them in my life time. But, wait before you think I am being judgemental and irrational, please understand that I am speaking for myself and only myself, through my own opinions no one elses. I do not and WILL NOT HATE FOR FREE!
I know what it is like to be hated on and trust me, I would never wish this cruelty on another human being. I am talking more about relevant facts...I go off facts not fairy tales and rumors, but what I see with my own eyes. I do not liked to be blamed for the action of others, take for instant if your man texts me or calls me...is it my fault? Or if your man adds me on facebook and I accept because I am a nice person... why not...is it my fault or am I trying to get at him? Hmm all these questions have arised over the summer, and I am trying to fathom why its always my fault. Yes, I make mistakes and sometimes can be nice and UNDERSTANDING, but geeez cut me some slack, its not always my fault!
I am so irritated by some of the things I have heard over the past couple of days. I am not after your boyfriend or husband so GET OVER IT and maybe spend more time working out your relationship than worrying about others. I have been gone all summer and yet my name is still wrapped up in peoples mouths, my goodness....GET OVER IT! HOI this blog is way too dramatic..but I had to let it out!
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